a girl's dream

"That girl is better than you."

"Her work is amazing-so much better than yours"

"She's a better mother, she only buys organics."

"She's consistent with bedtime."

"She has more willpower."

"She's got a will, a college fund, all her ducks in a row."

"She works out every day and has a clean house."

"I bet she never looses her patients with her kids."

Bitchy, huh? Who talks like that? I would NEVER say these things to my friends or anyone for that matter. But I say them to myself every. day.

 
Horrible things.

"You're not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, good enough."

I have even said these things out loud.
I charmingly convince myself it is good humor, self-deprecating. But really it's just defensive.
I'll say it before you can. I'll put it out there cuz it hurts less if it comes from me instead of you.

Right?

But it doesn't really work that way.

My inner voice isn't nice to me.

So I 'm working on kick'n that chick to the curb.

Any one who knows me, knows I am obsessed in January. I am a flurry of resolutions and compulsions and a walking, talking, self-improvement section from Barnes and Noble. This year is no different. I have thousands of goals.

Some practical: Defeat my arch nemesis. Laundry . (Day 18 of successful 1-2 loads a day)

Some business (get it together and be a real photographer already-as outlined in 3 notebooks with 35 addendum added daily)

And many personal. Primarily, silence my inner critic. She paralyzes me; affects my relationships, productivity and ability to shine.

I am shiny most of the time really.

But when this girl gets going I can be defensive as all get out. I am overly sensitive to what I see could maybe, possibly be criticism, and I am constantly craving reassurance (read: compliment fishing) I say often to my KISA (knight in shining armor) "tell me something nice".

My magical, dreamy, light pouring in world of imagination turns muddy mushroom brown. My inner critic pushes me into the dark woods and I can get lost there for days.

I am so done with this girl and I want her gone.

So how do I go about this?

Firstly, crazy talk. OUT LOUD."Perfect is the enemy of done"

"Thinking too much stops you from doing enough"

"Everyone starts somewhere"

" I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me"

Next, stop comparing.

Why am I constantly comparing my behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel? I am (twitch) a comparison person.

Nichole is so involved in everything, how does she get it all done? Leslie's so organized and structured. Melissa is such a good friend, never forgets a good luck, never forgets a birthday. Rachael's so creative she really knows how to work hard/play hard. Kristin's so smart and still so fun. Annie's so hilarious and such a good mom and can kick ass at the gym. Emilee's so spiritual and patient and kind. Meghan's got it all together all the time. Heather's so laid back. Abbie's so comfortable in her own skin. I could go on and on. It is wonderful to have friends I admire so much. And don't get me wrong, I am head over heals in friend love with these women, but I am not as cool as them. I see the best in others and the worst in myself.
I think we all do this. We are our own worst enemy.

Comparing.

This is especially true with photography. I am three times a day comparing photos, websites, lighting, sharpness, composition, professionalism , you name it I've convinced myself I'm not worthy of it.
So I gotta stop looking through the windows of their virtual storefront if I'm ever gonna open up shop in town. These are nice people. They wouldn't shame me for being where I am or who I am in the world of photographic art, so why am I?

Next step, walk the walk.
I often talk to others about being themselves and owning their own strengths ~ living boldly. I am going to

(HOLD YOUR BREATH HERE)

Be me. I am going to stop apologizing for having dishes in my sink when a guest arrives (as if they give a @#$%) I am going to forgive myself for not having trendy clothes and bags and shoes. I know I have great taste, I just love it on other people and then put my jeans, old navy tee and 6 year old uggs back on.

I thought I had slayed this dragon when I stopped straightening my naturally curly hair and gave up on the self tanner, but this inner critic has snuck back into my head with the particular goal to prevent me from living my dreams.

Next be open and Keep it real

I am going to be open to criticism. It will help me learn. I am putting it ALL out there. Everyday. I will not be fake. I will not hold back because I might be wrong. I will not stop taking pictures because I'm not Ansel Adams or Annie Lebowitz, or Anne frick'n Geddes.  I am going to keep it real. I am learning, I am growing, I am not even close to perfect. But I know how to love. I know how to appreciate the beauty of this life. I know how to stop time and remember the exact words my daughter said on Christmas morning. I know how to feel every thing in my body glisten when light falls on my son's scar. I know how to see joy and grace and raw emotion in others and maybe even sometimes snap a photo that captures it.    I am gonna do Brittney, cuz it's all I know to do. And every tiny atom in me hopes you like it, but I know it's really gonna be okay if you don't.
Breathe in breathe out; palms up and open to the world. Wish me luck.

(Post it? It's too personal. What if they judge me? You probably have spelling errors.

SHUT UP.

Yea, kick her to the curb.)

a girl's dream

"That girl is better than you."

"Her work is amazing-so much better than yours"

"She's a better mother, she only buys organics."

"She's consistent with bedtime."

"She has more willpower."

"She's got a will, a college fund, all her ducks in a row."

"She works out every day and has a clean house."

"I bet she never looses her patients with her kids."

Bitchy, huh? Who talks like that? I would NEVER say these things to my friends or anyone for that matter. But I say them to myself every. day.

Horrible things.

"You're not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, good enough."

I have even said these things out loud.

I charmingly convince myself it is good humor, self-deprecating. But really it's just defensive.

I'll say it before you can. I'll put it out there cuz it hurts less if it comes from me instead of you.

Right?

But it doesn't really work that way.

My inner voice isn't nice to me.

So I 'm working on kick'n that bitch to the curb.

Any one who knows me, knows I am obsessed in January. I am a flurry of resolutions and compulsions and a walking, talking, self-improvement section from Barnes and Noble. This year is no different. I have thousands of goals.

Some practical: Defeat my arch nemesis. Laundry . (Day 15 of successful 1-2 loads a day)

Some business (get it together and be a real photographer already-as outlined in 3 notebooks with 35 addendum added daily)

And many personal. Primarily, silence my inner critic. She paralyzes me; affects my relationships, productivity and ability to shine.

I am shiny most of the time really.

But when this girl gets going I can be defensive as all get out. I am overly sensitive to what I see could maybe, possibly be criticism, and I am constantly craving reassurance (read: compliment fishing) I say often to my KISA (knight in shining armor) "tell me something nice".

My magical, dreamy, light pouring in world of imagination turns muddy mushroom brown. My inner critic pushes me into the dark woods and I can get lost there for days.

I am so done with this girl and I want her gone.

So how do I go about this?

Firstly, crazy talk. OUT LOUD.

"Perfect is the enemy of done"

"Thinking too much stops you from doing enough"

"Everyone starts somewhere"

" I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me"

Next, stop comparing.

Why am I constantly comparing my behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel?

I am (twitch) a comparison person.

Nichole is so involved in everything, how does she get it all done? Leslie's so organized and structured. Melissa is such a good friend, never forgets a good luck, never forgets a birthday. Rachael's so creative she really knows how to work hard/play hard. Kristin's so smart and still so fun. Annie's so hilarious and such a good mom and can kick ass at the gym. Emilee's so spiritual and patient and kind. Meghan's got it all together all the time. Heather's so laid back. Abbie's so comfortable in her own skin. I could go on and on. It is wonderful to have friends I admire so much. And don't get me wrong, I am head over heals in friend love with these women, but I am not as cool as them. I see the best in others and the worst in myself.

I think we all do this. We are our own worst enemy.

Comparing.

This is especially true with photography. I am three times a day comparing photos, websites, lighting, sharpness, composition, professionalism , you name it I've convinced myself I'm not worthy of it.

So I gotta stop looking through the windows of their virtual storefront if I'm ever gonna open up shop in town. These are nice people. They wouldn't shame me for being where I am or who I am in the world of photographic art, so why am I?

Next step, walk the walk.

I often talk to others about being themselves and owning their own strengths ~ living boldly. I am going to

(HOLD YOUR BREATH HERE)

Be me. I am going to stop apologizing for having dishes in my sink when a guest arrives (as if they give a @#$%) I am going to forgive myself for not having trendy clothes and bags and shoes. I know I have great taste, I just love it on other people and then put my jeans, old navy tee and 6 year old uggs back on.

I thought I had slayed this dragon when I stopped straightening my naturally curly hair and gave up on the self tanner, but this inner critic has snuck back into my head with the particular goal to prevent me from living my dreams.

Next be open and Keep it real

I am going to be open to criticism. It will help me learn. I am putting it ALL out there. Everyday. I will not be fake. I will not hold back because I might be wrong. I will not stop taking pictures because I'm not Ansel Adams or Annie Lebowitz, or Anne frick'n Geddescuz it's all I know to do. And every tiny atom in me hopes you like it, but I know it's really gonna be okay if you don't.

Breathe in breathe out; palms up and open to the world. Wish me luck.

(Post it? It's too personal. What if they judge me? You probably have spelling errors.

SHUT UP.

Yea, kick her to the curb.)



A girl's dream

"That girl is better than you."

"Her work is amazing-so much better than yours"

"She's a better mother, she only buys organics."

"She's consistent with bedtime."

"She has more willpower."

"She's got a will, a college fund, all her ducks in a row."

"She works out every day and has a clean house."

"I bet she never looses her patients with her kids."

Bitchy, huh? Who talks like that? I would NEVER say these things to my friends or anyone for that matter. But I say them to myself every. day.

Horrible things.

"You're not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, good enough."

I have even said these things out loud.

I charmingly convince myself it is good humor, self-deprecating. But really it's just defensive.

I'll say it before you can. I'll put it out there cuz it hurts less if it comes from me instead of you.

Right?

But it doesn't really work that way.

My inner voice isn't nice to me.

So I 'm working on kick'n that chick to the curb.

Any one who knows me, knows I am obsessed in January. I am a flurry of resolutions and compulsions and a walking, talking, self-improvement section from Barnes and Noble. This year is no different. I have thousands of goals.

Some practical: Defeat my arch nemesis. Laundry . (Day 18 of successful 1-2 loads a day)

Some business (get it together and be a real photographer already-as outlined in 3 notebooks with 35 addendum added daily)

And many personal. Primarily, silence my inner critic. She paralyzes me; affects my relationships, productivity and ability to shine.

I am shiny most of the time really.

But when this girl gets going I can be defensive as all get out. I am overly sensitive to what I see could maybe, possibly be criticism, and I am constantly craving reassurance (read: compliment fishing) I say often to my KISA (knight in shining armor) "tell me something nice".

My magical, dreamy, light pouring in world of imagination turns muddy mushroom brown. My inner critic pushes me into the dark woods and I can get lost there for days.

I am so done with this girl and I want her gone.

So how do I go about this?

Firstly, crazy talk. OUT LOUD.

"Perfect is the enemy of done"

"Thinking too much stops you from doing enough"

"Everyone starts somewhere"

" I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me"

Next, stop comparing.

Why am I constantly comparing my behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel?

I am (twitch) a comparison person.

Nichole is so involved in everything, how does she get it all done? Leslie's so organized and structured. Melissa is such a good friend, never forgets a good luck, never forgets a birthday. Rachael's so creative she really knows how to work hard/play hard. Kristin's so smart and still so fun. Annie's so hilarious and such a good mom and can kick ass at the gym. Emilee's so spiritual and patient and kind. Meghan's got it all together all the time. Heather's so laid back. Abbie's so comfortable in her own skin. I could go on and on. It is wonderful to have friends I admire so much. And don't get me wrong, I am head over heals in friend love with these women, but I am not as cool as them. I see the best in others and the worst in myself.

I think we all do this. We are our own worst enemy.

Comparing.

This is especially true with photography. I am three times a day comparing photos, websites, lighting, sharpness, composition, professionalism , you name it I've convinced myself I'm not worthy of it.

So I gotta stop looking through the windows of their virtual storefront if I'm ever gonna open up shop in town. These are nice people. They wouldn't shame me for being where I am or who I am in the world of photographic art, so why am I?

Next step, walk the walk.

I often talk to others about being themselves and owning their own strengths ~ living boldly. I am going to

(HOLD YOUR BREATH HERE)

Be me. I am going to stop apologizing for having dishes in my sink when a guest arrives (as if they give a @#$%) I am going to forgive myself for not having trendy clothes and bags and shoes. I know I have great taste, I just love it on other people and then put my jeans, old navy tee and 6 year old uggs back on.

I thought I had slayed this dragon when I stopped straightening my naturally curly hair and gave up on the self tanner, but this inner critic has snuck back into my head with the particular goal to prevent me from living my dreams.

Next, be open and Keep it real

I am going to be open to criticism. It will help me learn. I am putting it ALL out there. Everyday. I will not be fake. I will not hold back because I might be wrong. I will not stop taking pictures because I'm not Ansel Adams or Annie Lebowitz, or Anne frick'n Geddescuz it's all I know to do. And every tiny atom in me hopes you like it, but I know it's really gonna be okay if you don't.

Breathe in breathe out; palms up and open to the world. Wish me luck.

(Post it? It's too personal.  What if they judge me?  You probably have spelling errors.

SHUT UP.

Yea, kick her to the curb.)

Big Blog Revival



Monday night at home

Blog Revival. It's been so long. Let me catch you up...I started taking photos. Like~ really taking photos. Enough that this fall I was totally booked and I was too busy to blog for ALL THIS TIME. So here it is the big blog revival. I hope it sticks enough for me to get back into the habit. I miss writing and releasing and feeling like a piece of the real me is out there in the ether somewhere touching some soul like a note I threw out the car window. I have so many things to share with you. Even if it's just you (mom) who reads it. So just for fun I'm gonna share some random facts about me.

1. I think my husband's jawline is sexy.

2. I drink more than a pot of coffee everyday, no exaggeration.

3. I don't restrict my kids screen time and they seem to be surviving. In fact, they are fantastic little people.

4. I have the best most superb friends and sisters in the entire world. It is no contest. This is one blessing I have had for a long time. I am AMAZED with them daily. Sorry they can't be every one's friends cuz the world would be a better place.

5. I love happy people. I am not always happy, but sometimes it rubs off.

6. Ruby is asking if I'm done here yet, and she trumps pretty much anything.

LATER.

Ok.  Jump.

I haven't written in almost a month.  I'm nervous.  Like running into an old friend you've been meaning to call but time just gets away from you.  It isn't awkward is it? 

Not that long ago I wrote a passage here asking you to encourage me to put myself out there.  Thanks to all of you especially Abbie Pancoast, Melissa Grimes, and Meg Bontrager who pushed me off the ledge.  Now I am so busy I haven't been able to write!  I am loving every minute of it. 

I love the anticipation of meeting a family.  The hope for good weather.  The endless ideas of props and locations. . . which almost always give way to the simplicity of a child's face alone.  I love laughing and being silly with families, seeing how the relationships between them are as evident in their faces and mannerisms as their kind words to each other.  I love rushing home to edit the images.  Just hoping the joy and intensity I saw through the lens came across like magic onto the picture.  Thank you for allowing me to feel creative and expressive and full.  I am energized and ambitious and content.  Renewed.  There are no words.  

Thank you. 

With that said,  I must introduce to you Jonathan Castro. 

 This was my first "official" senior portrait session and I had such a great time with Jonathan!  It is so fun to be around someone who has it all ahead of him.  This young man has such a positive attitude and laid back personality.  And he's a superb big brother too!  Thanks for letting me document these memories for you! 

Enjoy this Beautiful Day!  Keep looking for Silver Pennies! 

Girlfriends

Well, this week I am trying to catch up.  It has been a crazy May with two trips, busy family, and lots of photo sessions.  I'll start at the beginning...

Once upon a time there were 8 crazy mamas who needed a vacation.  Off they went to Marco Island for a little taste of heaven...

But it never really starts there does it?  With these girls it started many moons ago.  There's history here that can't be explained or described but maybe in the growing details of a slow starting novel.  These women have been an anchor to one another in an ever changing sea of success and failure.  Marriages, children, careers, life and death.  But most of all laughter.  This weekend away was the perfect recipe of good soulful conversation and sprinkled with hearty deep laughter the kind of laughs where you forget your self-consciousness and let it all out.  The kind that hurts the next day and if you're not careful will allow your spirit to escape into the ether for a minute.  I let my spirit free with these friends, they know I'm sensitive and they are careful with me.  

 Annie O'Rourke

 Kristin Lange

 Emilee Minks

 Meghan Browne

 Leslie Thompson

 Rachael Friesen

 Ann Sullivan

and me...there were a few friends missed this trip too, you know who you are ladies!

Highlights:

The food & drinks....

 The laughs...

 The host...

The company.  

I love you girls, thanks for the soul food!

This is where I have been...
I am catching up, but I will post soon. 
Brittney