a girl's dream

"That girl is better than you."

"Her work is amazing-so much better than yours"

"She's a better mother, she only buys organics."

"She's consistent with bedtime."

"She has more willpower."

"She's got a will, a college fund, all her ducks in a row."

"She works out every day and has a clean house."

"I bet she never looses her patients with her kids."

Bitchy, huh? Who talks like that? I would NEVER say these things to my friends or anyone for that matter. But I say them to myself every. day.

Horrible things.

"You're not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, good enough."

I have even said these things out loud.

I charmingly convince myself it is good humor, self-deprecating. But really it's just defensive.

I'll say it before you can. I'll put it out there cuz it hurts less if it comes from me instead of you.

Right?

But it doesn't really work that way.

My inner voice isn't nice to me.

So I 'm working on kick'n that bitch to the curb.

Any one who knows me, knows I am obsessed in January. I am a flurry of resolutions and compulsions and a walking, talking, self-improvement section from Barnes and Noble. This year is no different. I have thousands of goals.

Some practical: Defeat my arch nemesis. Laundry . (Day 15 of successful 1-2 loads a day)

Some business (get it together and be a real photographer already-as outlined in 3 notebooks with 35 addendum added daily)

And many personal. Primarily, silence my inner critic. She paralyzes me; affects my relationships, productivity and ability to shine.

I am shiny most of the time really.

But when this girl gets going I can be defensive as all get out. I am overly sensitive to what I see could maybe, possibly be criticism, and I am constantly craving reassurance (read: compliment fishing) I say often to my KISA (knight in shining armor) "tell me something nice".

My magical, dreamy, light pouring in world of imagination turns muddy mushroom brown. My inner critic pushes me into the dark woods and I can get lost there for days.

I am so done with this girl and I want her gone.

So how do I go about this?

Firstly, crazy talk. OUT LOUD.

"Perfect is the enemy of done"

"Thinking too much stops you from doing enough"

"Everyone starts somewhere"

" I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me"

Next, stop comparing.

Why am I constantly comparing my behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel?

I am (twitch) a comparison person.

Nichole is so involved in everything, how does she get it all done? Leslie's so organized and structured. Melissa is such a good friend, never forgets a good luck, never forgets a birthday. Rachael's so creative she really knows how to work hard/play hard. Kristin's so smart and still so fun. Annie's so hilarious and such a good mom and can kick ass at the gym. Emilee's so spiritual and patient and kind. Meghan's got it all together all the time. Heather's so laid back. Abbie's so comfortable in her own skin. I could go on and on. It is wonderful to have friends I admire so much. And don't get me wrong, I am head over heals in friend love with these women, but I am not as cool as them. I see the best in others and the worst in myself.

I think we all do this. We are our own worst enemy.

Comparing.

This is especially true with photography. I am three times a day comparing photos, websites, lighting, sharpness, composition, professionalism , you name it I've convinced myself I'm not worthy of it.

So I gotta stop looking through the windows of their virtual storefront if I'm ever gonna open up shop in town. These are nice people. They wouldn't shame me for being where I am or who I am in the world of photographic art, so why am I?

Next step, walk the walk.

I often talk to others about being themselves and owning their own strengths ~ living boldly. I am going to

(HOLD YOUR BREATH HERE)

Be me. I am going to stop apologizing for having dishes in my sink when a guest arrives (as if they give a @#$%) I am going to forgive myself for not having trendy clothes and bags and shoes. I know I have great taste, I just love it on other people and then put my jeans, old navy tee and 6 year old uggs back on.

I thought I had slayed this dragon when I stopped straightening my naturally curly hair and gave up on the self tanner, but this inner critic has snuck back into my head with the particular goal to prevent me from living my dreams.

Next be open and Keep it real

I am going to be open to criticism. It will help me learn. I am putting it ALL out there. Everyday. I will not be fake. I will not hold back because I might be wrong. I will not stop taking pictures because I'm not Ansel Adams or Annie Lebowitz, or Anne frick'n Geddescuz it's all I know to do. And every tiny atom in me hopes you like it, but I know it's really gonna be okay if you don't.

Breathe in breathe out; palms up and open to the world. Wish me luck.

(Post it? It's too personal. What if they judge me? You probably have spelling errors.

SHUT UP.

Yea, kick her to the curb.)