Fall. It used to make me think of caramel apples and football. Sweaters and boots and new pointy pencils. Pumpkins, apple cider and a chenille throw blanket.
Finley changed fall.
Finley changed everything.
Last October I was pregnant, due October 23rd with a baby boy. But after a healthy pregnancy and healthy birth on October 16th, 2010, my baby boy became very sick.
He was soon sedated and on an ECMO pump (basically an external artificial heart and lung). And he lay there in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit for a week. My one day old son didn't move. For a week. His stillness stopped my heart. It was days later that my Knight in Shining Armor gave me a pep talk and we decided to go home to visit our daughters. We stepped out of the hospital without our baby.
It was a rush of Fall air. My lungs had become accustomed to air conditioning and the stale feel of hospital rooms. The first thing we saw was the forest. It was UNBELIEVABLE. Like a painting for us (by fairies perhaps). Proof there is something amazing bigger than we are, and a reminder that there is BEAUTY in this unpredictable world.
After 25 days Finley finally came home and after a year of life there is only a small scar as evidence of any of it. He is my little version of health and perfection. But when I think of last year it isn't the hospital that comes to mind first.
It's the forest, the trees in their Autumn splendor, the crisp air in my chest, and the grace of life.
Grace.
Life.
My child is alive.
Now Fall is still chills and leaves, wreaths and mums. But the cider is sweeter, the Indiana October sky is bluer. I love the way the sun squeezes through the trees, washing the dried corn fields with gorgeous golden light. My heart is outside my body now. Walking around in the tiny hands of these three little people. Each so special in their own way.
But Finley is the one who changed Fall.
And I'll be forever grateful.
Oh...my sweet sister...what an amazing person, friend and mother you are. You are blessed...so VERY blessed. As are those three incredibly wonderful children, the man that married you and for all those that encounter you are. I think anyone who knows you...or doesn't know you for that matter, had tears streaming down their face as they read your words about Fin. Of all your blessings, he is your biggests. He came into this world and gave you strength and faith in a way no human has before or maybe ever will. I love your dearly! Thank you for creating this site where we can all connect on a deeper level with you...whether from across the street or across the country.
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